Friday, September 17, 2010

You know me....I look a little different now

I was away for 2 days at a work conference/training. It was great because I was able to see some of the other folks in my profession from all over the Island. Amazing Women! We used too see each other a few times a year for training but thanks to budget cuts we now only see each other every year and a half or so. A few of my work friends have not seen me for a year and a half (most of my weight came off in the last 2 years). So I go up to my friend S. that I have known for many years and say Hello. She looks at me for a few seconds with this odd look on her face and I say to her...I look a little different now. S. grabs me in a big hug and says "oh my god..I didn't recognize you till I heard your voice". This has happened to me a half a dozen times and it certainly leaves me with mixed emotions. I think I still look like me but a lot smaller. Having been big all my life people know me as a "big" presence. Now I just blend into the crowd. How odd to have people that know you ...not know you. I have had clients from the past come to the front counter at work and ask to see me and when I go to meet them they ask again for Barb and I tell them Hi, it is me Barb..I look a little different now. Sometimes I am happy to share my story about my changes but sometimes the attention feels weird. One of the many things I hated about being a "big girl" is that you can never just blend in....I'm not talking a person with a little chub on them...I'm talking 300 pounds and yes, we take up a bit of space. Now I just blend's a lot less stressful. I remember the feeling of walking into a room of people at 300+ pounds and thinking quick can I seat myself in a far corner of the room so folks aren't staring at my big butt in this small chair. Funny thing about being that big is you are a big presence but you are invisible (as a human being ) to a lot of people... especially men. Guys do not like fat chicks! I shouldn't say husband has loved me big or small and I love him to pieces for that! I should say some guys don't care for the big girls. Funny now that I am a "normal" size men smile at me and chat all the time. Women smile more at me too. How come? The first few times it happened I quickly looked in a mirror thinking maybe my hair was doing something funky or my mascara was smeared and people found it amusing. Apparently my hair and mascara were fine. Maybe it's me...maybe I don't send out the "don't look at me" vibe as much any more. Any ways.. I have rambled on here long enough. Bit of a scattered writer...but wanted to share some thoughts on the "you know me" experience.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why little Chickadee?

I wonder where to many things have happened to me over the last few years. I wish I had kept a blog from the start of my weight loss journey. I guess in the beginning I wondered if I would fail at this.. like every other time I tried to lose weight. I did not trust myself and it took time for me to see and accept that this was working..I was losing weight and keeping it off. IMAGINE THAT! It did, and I made it happen. Me and my trusty band and a lot of determination. Wow. It still seems surreal to me sometimes.

Any ways... the title Little Chickadee came from a term of endearment from my Dad. I adored my Dad and he always made me feel special, worthy, and loved. He has called me his little Chickadee since I was a very little girl. He still called me his little Chickadee when I was a 39 year old 300+ size woman. Unconditional love. He always loved me just as I was. My Dad passed away 5 days after an operation to remove a tumor from his lung. It was devastating to say the least. It will be 8 years Sept 15 th since he passed away and I still miss him dearly. When I am out working in the garden and the little chickadees come to grab a sunflower seed from the feeder I think about him and his great gift of love. Chickadee's are the cheeriest, friendly, little bird. Kind of what simple sweet joy looks like.
I was so lucky to have had such a great Dad. He really helped me make it through a lot of tough times....just knowing how special I was to him made me feel like I mattered.
So that's my little story about the name of my blog. My wish for the universe is that everyone has someone that makes them feel special, worthy and loved.